ANDOVER, MA — The Phillips Academy Athletic Department recently released a public statement that openly expresses its hatred for nerds. While it is commonly known that the Academy’s athletic requirements discriminate against those who may be more “academically inclined,” this is the first time a formal statement has been issued against the nerd population. According to this official report, “nerds” are defined as ugly, socially awkward people who excel in purely academic and intellectual fields, often involving profound passions in math/science/computer technology. The definition goes on to describe common characteristics of a typical nerd, which include but are not limited to: disproportioned parts of body, extremely pale skin, lack of fashion sense, and charter membership in the International Star Trek Fan Association. “Nerds are what make this world a terrible place to live in,” said Athletic Director Stephen Godfrey. “As a specialist in Physical Education, I am trained to deal with students who may lack hand-eye coordination and strength, but some days I just don’t know what to do anymore. Don’t get me wrong. I’m not a bad person. I don’t even mind their nasally voices and horrible acne problems. But seriously, those hideous thick-rimmed glasses and customized pocket protectors just make me want to throw up.” Godfrey said he has wanted to become a physical education instructor ever since he was six years old. Now, at age 47, he has devoted his life to helping teenagers get in shape through healthy dieting and exercise. “Ultimately, I want to be the one to breed the first generation of super-humans,” Godfrey said. “You know, the cream of the athletic crop. Thanks to me, kids everywhere would flaunt around their huge biceps and eight-packs and say: ‘Steve Godfrey made me who I am today. It’s because of him that I’m not a little girly girl like Tom Cruise.’” But with the ever-growing nerd population, Stephen Godfrey may never get the chance to fulfill his goal and prove his overbearing father wrong. Likewise, other members of the faculty continue to worry about the how a dramatic increase in nerd numbers will affect the Academy’s future. Dick Morris, a tri-varsity coach who has been working with high school students for over a decade, is a strong supporter of the anti-nerd movement. Morris is notorious throughout the school for his highly unorthodox training methods and his inappropriate displays of affection towards Girls Varsity Lacrosse players. “I can’t help but despise those calculator-carrying, asthma-ridden freaks,” said Morris. “I mean, I know it’s my responsibility to provide equal care for all of my students, but those nerds just don’t appreciate the fine art of dodgeball the same way I do. It’s crazy, but instead of chucking balls at each other’s heads, these kinds of kids would rather catch up on their ‘book learnings’ and their ‘pokey-man cards.’” While most of the faculty has reached the consensus to loathe all nerds, there is still hope for the average poindexter that walks the Andover campus. Rashaan Salaam, an instructor in AP Physics as well as the head of the PA Varsity Football program, stands firmly against the discrimination of nerds. “It’s truly a shame that nerds today are still being labeled as ‘geeky’ and ‘pansy-like,’” says Salaam. “I mean, it’s hard to believe now, but even I, the 1994 Heisman trophy winner, was a nerd in high school.” In response to Salaam’s comments, the athletic administration has just issued a new statement that reads as follows: “In light of the new background information that the Athletic Department has recently become aware of, Mr. Rashaan Salaam has hereby been stripped of his position as head football coach.”
