This past Wednesday, nerds across campus gathered on the Great Lawn and took pledges of abstinence. Co-sponsored by the A/V club and the Comic Book Appreciation Society, this day of sexual purity was regarded as a “second chance” for nerds everywhere. “Today is the dawning of a new age,” said one Upper. “Intellectually advanced carbon-based life forms like us will no longer be labeled as ‘losers.’ So what if we’re still virgins? It’s nothing to be ashamed of. We’re making a conscious decision not to participate in sexual intercourse.” “It’s for personal reasons,” added another dork. “Collectively, we feel as if sexual relationships take away from the true human experience. Why waste your time with things like natural male enhancement or frilly pink brassieres when you can just use Google image search and easily access a diagram of the female anatomy?” Many other participants shared a similar sentiment. “I didn’t choose abstinence for religious purposes. And I’m not afraid of those so-called ‘STDs’ either. I’m almost certain that I would do to Syphilis what I did to Ludregoth in level 24 in the Dungeon of Darkness. Malicious demons aside, I truly feel as if sexual intercourse detracts from one’s progress in the land of academia. Plus, I’d never have time to edit my favorite Wikipedia entries if I was wasting my time having sex.” While most abstinence enthusiasts were ecstatic about their newfound status, others seemed more defensive regarding their life choices. “Don’t go around thinking we nerds only did this because we can’t get any,” said one devoted participant. “Such slander would be categorized as a false assumption that only fools would make. I’ll have you know that I’m a level 63 Dungeon Master and I could be spawning virtual girlfriends within nanoseconds.” Other participants were more reluctant to go through with the whole ordeal. “Yeah, I admit it. I’m socially inept,” said one student. “I have yet to follow in Mr. Spock’s footsteps and abridge the ‘Final Frontier.’ But at least this way I’ll look less lame.” Over 85% of the Academy’s nerd population made an appearance at the event, shattering attendance records previously held by the annual World of Warcraft Jamboree.
