The Eighth Page

Phillipian Satire: Dear Harvard Admissions Committee

Dear Harvard Admissions Committee,

I recently received a rejection from you; however it is evident that adequate time was not spent reviewing my application. I am, in fact, the perfect candidate and deserve admission to Harvard.

My ability to overcome hardships has been highlighted after my successful completion of a Growth and Accountability Plan. As I’m sure you are aware, plagiarism is a serious and disgusting violation of academic integrity. After writing essays, attending meetings, and many long nights with Dean Washburn spent reflecting on my actions after ChatGPTing my History 300 paper, I have changed my character completely. Embodying academic integrity has allowed me to provide quality work while avoiding scandals, which aligns with what Harvard values within its community.

My good character does not end there; this past summer my family and I funded a mission trip to North Sentinel Island for my bible study group. This once-in-a-lifetime experience has provided me with memories that I will treasure forever and a fantastic Instagram post. Although, they did not seem as appreciative of my culture as I thought they would be. Leaving my companions was very hard, but I managed to stay in touch by dropping postcards from Italy and France via a resupply plane!

Furthermore, I use my social media platforms for good and work hard to spread progressive ideas. Some examples of my activism have been participating in Blackout Tuesday and using my Instagram reposts to share my original and well-informed opinions. I also play an active role in the PASC and Divest Andover. For example, this year I endured a four-hour bus ride to a New York City protest where I proudly held my “F*** Big Oil” sign. My activism combined with a Harvard education will lead to big differences throughout society. 

I hope after reevaluating my outstanding application you will provide me with immediate admission into the class of 2028. The perseverance, compassion, and proactiveness that I foster are key characteristics that will thrive at your institution.

Best regards,

William Goldberg