Hi! My name is Dan Saul Knight: owner, manager and frequent customer at Features Convenience Store. To tell you a little about myself, I’m 42 years-young from Baltimore, and I’m a Capricorn (Watch out all you Virgo hottays!). Additionally, my favorite movie is “Maid in Manhattan” — yay! Anyway, the Features Convenient Store is really thriving. I started it in 1985 with the money from the meth-lab insurance company, and it’s been moving like a Barbara Streisand concert ever since. Its location is just darling, situated right underneath the overpass next to that alley where the clever little bum band plays the trashcans. But the store isn’t just about the glamour, it’s about the people. We have two tireless employees who work around the clock to make sure that when its 3:30 a.m. and you need a Fresca and four twenty dollar scratch tickets, you can get them. And they always will serve you with a smile (although in the case of Ezekiel that’s not so much of a smile as it is a messed up face). Our shelves are always packed to the brim with goods thanks to our adorable little stock monkeys who work constantly under the gaze of my 24-hour video camera. I often find them conspiring to take over the store and consequently the planet, quite oblivious to the fact that it has already been done in “Planet of the Apes.” We also have a strong family environment here at Features Convenient Store, and we all know nothing says family bonding like slurpees from a machine that hasn’t been cleaned since Vanilla Ice sold a record. So by now you might be asking yourself, “Hey, Dan Saul Knight, why do you do it?” Well most would say the money, or the glamour, or the free hot dogs; but for me it’s all about the people. To see the smile on my customers’ faces when I give them their change and gently caress their hands saying “see you next time big guy.” The joy I see in their eyes when I announce “all expired milk half off.” And most of all, the laughter of the children as they play Pac man in the corner, hoping to win my annual Pacman tournament and get the prize of free room and board in my basement. In the end, I love my job. I cannot, however, agree to never turn the place into a monkey sweatshop and make myself a billionaire. It seems inevitiable. -Ben Nichols
