1. No short shorts. 2. Shirt and shoes required. Unless you “lost” them, then it’s cool. 3. No belly shirts. 4. Okay, belly shirts are fine, but there’s a weight limit. 5. No loitering/littering/any other type of gerund that results in a fine. 6. 50 percent money back guarantee! (Hey, those are good odds in Vegas). 7. To ensure the safety of our products and our customers, Features Convenience Store employs security cameras. Even in the bathroom. 8. Features Convenience Store is an equal opportunity employer. However, if you wish to be really sure about your purchase, we recommend staying away from any men wearing orange jump suits with tattoos. 9. If you receive an erection longer than 4 hours, you’re welcome. 10. This building’s health code is a C: Crazy Good. 11. This building’s health code was an A in 1976. 12. We have the right to refuse service to any customers. 13. We have the right to refuse service from prostitutes, but we admit that we probably won’t. 14. No blue horns, chanting “you suck,” or hazing the opposing fans (Sorry, that was supposed to go in the fan’s code of conduct for A/E). 15. It is our strict policy that only George Michael and Rick Astley be played in Features Convenience Store. 16. Don’t ask, don’t tell. 17. Quality assurance is more like a guideline than a guarantee. 18. Please, no “makin’ it rain.” 19. B.Y.O.B.
