The Eighth Page

Phillipian Satire: Week’s Top Headlines

Study Shows Dorm Clothing Dryers Actually Produce More Moisture

Commons welcomes students back by churning out their worst meals as a reminder that justice is nothing more than a shadow the powerful cast upon the weak

Admissions Office Hires Michelin Star Chef to Cook on All Revisit Days

Lacrosse Boys Disappointed With Matching Gray Sweatsuits After Requesting Juicy Couture Sets

New Panama Papers Revealed, Deans Also Found to Be Funded by Soros

Concerned Parents Warn About Dangers of Fentanyl-Laced Melatonin, Call Sleep Gummies “Not What They Used to Be”

MakerSpace Loses Billions in SVB Collapse