The Eighth Page

Phillipian Satire: Senior of the Week: Seylor Daita ’23

This week, we’re proud to have Selyor Daita ’23 as our Senior of the Week. Some have been calling him the next Mark Zuckerberg, and we can’t help but agree with them on that.

Daita has mastered the awkward, robotic poise of Zuckerberg, sitting unnaturally straight and rarely blinking. Try to converse with Daita, perhaps ask him a question, and you can almost see the gears in his head turning as he comes up with the most unsettling answer possible! Once, when he was asked to sit on a disciplinary committee, his face turned so white he blended in with the wall behind him!

In addition, he’s extremely smug, an essential skill if he’s planning to follow in Zucc’s footsteps and drop out of Harvard. But Daita would never drop out of Harvard because well… it’s Harvard, and if his start-ups fail, he’ll always have that investment banking job to fall back on.

He’s also incredibly proficient in collaboration — copying essays and projects from other, more talented, students. Good ol’ Zucc himself was and still is a master of the craft, but Daita is almost as talented as Zucc-ini was at his age. He’s only been caught once so far.

And, of course, Daita is already getting practice collecting personal information. He’s amazing at following people, digging up medical records, and then selling private information to shady third-parties, just like the OG. As I’m writing this, I’m pretty sure he’s in a bush outside, filming my screen to figure out what advertisements I’ll like most (here’s a tip: schoolgirl porn and capitol riot dates/times).

Such a nice guy. A lot of people think elite boarding schools are just known for old white guys, but people like Mark and Selyor are proving that we also have weird lizard people. A huge thanks to Daita, and we wish you the best in your unethical business practices.