Phillipian Satire: 8p Parents Lovelorn

Nicky’s Parent: Stacey Essaid 

“Stop your whining”

Cool facts about me! 

• I caused four car accidents trying to spot birds
• I told my son to not use cleats in the yard because they will get dirty (one step ahead of the game)
• Is a flawda jit (FREE KODAK)
• Once beat my son in tennis so badly he cried and when he started crying I told him to stop because he was embarrassing me. (He was being really loud. Like come on, you are supposed to be quiet while playing tennis.)
• Russian and Chinese 
• Weirdly into murder mysteries for someone who hasn’t comitted murder
• Went to school with the whiter Grayson Allen, Christian Laettner 
• Took a photo when I wasn’t allowed to at Los Alamos

Ideal Date Spot:

• Wherever they get the red clay for the French Open
• Airboat in the Everglades

Dealbreakers:

• Grateful Dead
• If you ask for a separate plate for your lemons

Evalyn’s Parent: Alfred Lee

“Did you see the article I emailed you?”

Cool facts about me! 

• Joined a super cool secret society in college….Christian Student Fellowship
• *Intentionally* hits golf balls into the water 
• Thinks that being in the same law school class as Amy Coney Barrett is a flex
• Had to delete instagram because it was “too addictive”
•  A ~unique~ Harvard rejectee 
• Thinks Dartmouth is a rival to Harvard 
• Tells his kids he never hit his roommate’s bong
• Studied in Russia when it was okay

Ideal Date Spot:

• A hiking trail (#naturalhighs) 
• A U2 reunion concert (SO alternative) 

Dealbreakers:

• Crop tops 
• St. Louis Cardinals fan

Mary’s Parent: Alison Lord 

“Not only do I dominate the tennis courts, I dominate the workplace!” 

Cool facts about me! 

• Still rowing competitively: proving that crew isn’t just a sport, it’s a lifestyle. 
• Has roughly a thousand instagram posts of the sky, she needs another muse 😉 (sorry dad)
• Proud user of the doggy seatbelt, because buckling up can save lives! (Mom, where’s my seatbelt?)
• Uses her book club as an excuse to get wine drunk on a Thursday night.
• More likely to go to a highway hookah lounge than Chuck E Cheese

Ideal Date Spot:

• A nice Italian restaurant (she spent a summer abroad there, so she feels a deep connection to the sicilian culture.) 

Dealbreakers:

• Wide wale corduroys (whatever those are) 
• Can’t drive stick shift, aka, not a real man 

Ned’s Parent: Matthew Thornton 

“I have a whole team that needs to sign off on this.”

Cool facts about me! 

• Enjoys a good book, does not need suggestions 
• Cold and distant 
• Disgusted with Brooks Brothers these days 
• Believes roundabouts superior to intersections 
• Loves a good dress code 
• Omits the Oxford comma 
• Huge youth soccer fan 
• Can cook several dishes 

Ideal Date Spot: 

• Central Park carousel 

Dealbreakers: 

• Wears “dress sneakers” 
• Unfamiliar with the novel Lucky Jim