The Eighth Page

Phillipian Satire: Spring Term Looking Ahead

March 30- Seniors Finally Receive the Procrastinated “No” From Gatekeepers of Elite Education (senior spring shall commence!)

March 31- Resurrection of Crew Cult (as if lacrosse wasn’t enough)

April 1- Candidates for Yale Class of 2027 Elected for Andover Class Co-Presidents

April 16- Sykes Diagnoses Seniors With Any Slight Malady as Senioritis With Dramatic Theatrics (soon they won’t be Sykes’ responsibility…  “take your potentially std infested sore throat far away from us,” echoed in nurse lounge)

April 30- Globe-gate Reunion on Lawn (they definitely saved the blue lawn chairs)

May 4- All Hail Nerds And Teachers Who Can’t Find Jokes Other Than Overused Puns

May 9- Line College Board’s Pockets for a Return of Copious Pain and Little Academic Credit

May 29- Virgins Dry Hump to Remixed Bohemian Rhapsody (this is what happens when white kids run the dance)

June 9- Survivors of Senior Pro Rewarded with School-Sanctioned Cigars