The Eighth Page

Phillipian Satire: Loulou Sloss And John Collett Have Finally Died.

@loupop124

If you’ve ever been to an amateur audition for New Girl, you’ve probably met Loulou Sloss. Upon her untimely death, probably either from loneliness or crabs from her boyfriend, the Eighth Page has unfortunately been tasked with honoring her pitiful career. 

She’s from New York, but she’ll probably tell you that after interacting with her for more than five seconds. After having to look at her face for the past few months, hopefully, she’ll bring the braces back. LouLou is rarely in a good mood, but I’d be too if my face looked like that and my parents were divorced. 

Her father is a one-hit-wonder for racially-insensitive “films,” but hey, an Oscar is an Oscar. This position probably makes Loulou thinks she is “cultured,” but being pale and pretending to go to art museums doesn’t convince us. Her mother (specifically her Instagram) is revered around campus, but we are all very disappointed that she is dating another rich old guy (the apple probably won’t fall far from the tree). 

I would love to include some information here about Loulou’s friend group, but in reality, they are mostly non-existent. Those that do exist probably engage in riveting conversations about being popular loners or how to put together the worst outfits. After getting rejected by half the group, she was forced to resort to an online boyfriend who is probably cat-fishing her for money. 

I probably won’t miss Loulou and I definitely won’t miss those gigantic bug eyes. Glad they’ll be closed forever.

 

@johnc_12345

John Collett has died this morning at the age of 17. Trap in Heaven, King. 

John led a sad and disappointing life. 

Collett was born to a family of furniture makers. This family business is obviously a drug front. (Only one of the two fronts John is affiliated with, as he is on the board of Pencils of Promise…)

After merely a glimpse at Andover’s diversity, John decided to retreat to his friend group. A mixture of the Vineyard Vines rich and the Stone Island rich. This demographic was more Mr. Collett’s speed. I can’t blame him, with these friends he has traveled The Globe many times…

He is survived by his two siblings. Both of which are cooler than John in their own regard. James Collett for his work on the PAGorilla and leaving in a blaze of glory, and Ruthie for being not John. (To James: I would looove to hear about the “New York Times”’ biases, maybe over dinner? How about you pick me up at 7:00 on Friday? See all my sides now…)

John’s recent death is probably the best thing that’s ever happened to his physical appearance. In the coffin, no one can tell that he’s 5’1”. And the embalming service will be more time than John had spent on his own appearance in his time alive. Maybe the funeral technician will finally shave his pedo-stache… 

He has asked to be buried in his Barbour jacket. Like a real man.