The Eighth Page

Phillipian Satire: Ultimate Week Ultimatum: Amid the Stress of Doing Their Jobs, Teachers Demand Faculty-Only Spa

Dear Alumni,


Especially to those of you who are successful (i.e. gave up on your childish dreams and now work in finance), we, the faculty, hope you are doing well, or at least better than when you were taking our physics classes. Your children, grandchildren, and great-grandchildren keep the community as stimulating and lively as you all did during your respective time at the Academy. As always, we are incredibly grateful for all of your generous donations this year. They were certainly put to good use; the hand sanitizer dispensers and the air purifiers were a smashing success. (They still are necessary, so keep those donations coming. Money is more reliable than that vaccine.)


Real talk though. While your kids are having fun, we, the teachers, are not. You would not believe how hard it is to come up with an endless stream of assignments, post them to Canvas, and then grade them all. Personally, I don’t even like what I teach anymore, and really wish I took that part in “Cats, The Movie” when I had the chance! Chemistry is pretty pointless.


Guess what? Your kids are not that great! Our backs hurt, our eyes are strained, and we still can’t seem to work the SmartBoard. What to do? They are so lucky to come from a wealthy family because they are going nowhere. 


We, the teachers, pose an ultimatum. If no alumni gift a faculty spa by the end of the year, we quit. It’s just that simple. A sauna, a jacuzzi, some hot rocks, body wraps, salt scrubs, a dozen or so massage tables, and a few full-time masseuses. Maybe a happy ending station? But that’s about it. Faculty only. Open 24/7.


The school has the space for it, too. We could just clear out Pearson! Who even takes Latin? I haven’t heard anyone speak that language in like two thousand years. Also, we can use all those unused planners in the ASC as flip-flops!!


Also, I’ve spoken to Dr. Kington about it. Well, I’ve never actually spoken to him, but once, I overheard him talking about how much he needed a spa day after sending a “Welcome Back” email and delivering an incredibly long Parent Weekend speech.


You have until June. It’s your choice. Just slide a couple milly to the Academy’s Venmo, @gungasgreen69. Or see your school cease to exist after we all quit. 


With contempt, 

The Faculty