The Eighth Page

Phillipian Satire: Ghosts with Juuls

Something’s not right about campus these days, and it’s not that people are still making TikToks in the library. No, something much more sinister is going on. 

Last week, the Eighth Page paranormal activity office received a report of paranormal activity from two anonymous student sources. Being ambitious and dedicated journalists, we were on the case. As it turned out, many other students (also anonymous) had been exposed to supernatural forces, and every one of them shared similar circumstances with their respective Disciplinary Committees (DCs).

The first student, who will be called “Mike,” shared his experience with the greatest detail. Interestingly enough, this is also what he told his DC: 

Around 11:30 p.m. on October 23, Mike returned to his dorm after an exhilarating evening of socialization. He was exhausted, so he fell asleep in his clothes.

At 1:20 a.m., something startled Mike to consciousness. He awoke to see a pale apparition in the corner. The figure slowly approached Mike and stopped at the side of his bed. Mike felt the ghost slip something metal and inside the pocket of his shorts. Before he even knew what to think, Mike was fast asleep. 

By 10:00 a.m., Mike reported to have woken up. A driven student, Mike left his room for breakfast, deciding not to think about whatever happened last night distracted by thoughts of his work. On the way, he ran into his house counselor. In an attempt to show his counselor a funny meme, Mike quickly took his phone from his pocket. But instead of grabbing his phone, he found in his hand a ghastly nicotine vaping device! The ghost must have put it there!

Almost immediately after this case was reported, an upper in dark sunglasses came running into our office. “Meghan” awoke the day before to find the trash can in her three-room-double littered with empty Fireball shooters and other drinking paraphernalia. The sudden appearance of this contraband can only be explained by the supernatural, since Meghan has never ever tried alcohol in her life. 

Like Mike, Meghan can recall the presence of what looked like a party of pale ghosts drinking and singing karaoke in her room the night before. Waking up to the sound of one of them facetiming their underworld crush, Megan was terrified and went straight back to sleep.

Unfortunately, both Mike and Meghan are on probation (The Deans didn’t believe their statements.) However, the Eighth Page has not given up on proving these students victims, victims of an untamed ghost population. These paranormal experiences are sobering and have lasting consequences. Plus, they sure are becoming increasingly common around campus! All in all, this story proves the validity of rumors of vape-cloud-esque ghosts around campus, who are possessing our students by flying into their lungs. Dean Marriott, if you’re reading this, I swear it was a ghost. And, especially since this weekend is Halloween, we can all expect some lively-deathly ghoulish get-togethers. Stay vigilant.