The Eighth Page

Phillipian Satire: More Signatures Required by Your Beloved Deans

In recent weeks, the deans have been adamant about making us sign random pages. I mean honestly, what even is “hazing?” I think that a Freshman tried to explain it to me once while he was cleaning my room. That useless form, among countless others, have flooded our emails in recent days, but it is only the beginning. According to our sources within Dr. Kington’s office, we will soon all be subjected to the following requests.


Dear Student,

Under the Academy’s policies regarding prohibited use of Siberia, students must not be in Siberia under these circumstances:


Dear Student,

Due to the Academy’s policy regarding PDA, no students are allowed to display affection for a significant other in any public environment, especially under these circumstances:


Dear Student,
The Academy has revised its statement regarding the purchase and use of Birkenstocks. Please sign to acknowledge the following policy:

Students will not buy or wear Birkenstocks under the following circumstances: