The Eighth Page

Phillipian Satire: Diary of A Student on The Andover Death Star

Dear Diary,

After a long delay due to the Space Sneezing pandemic, Spring Term on the Andover Death Star is officially underway. It is wonderful to see both familiar and new faces throughout the corridors, even if we are all wearing masks. We all do have our complaints about how the school is being run. I mean, do we really have to hit every single comet in our general vicinity? Do they not understand that some of us get ship sick? At least once a week we hit a patch of flying so rocky that half the students body has to sprint to the bathrooms to throw up. And every single week, we get the same response. In order to save efficiency, we must fly through comets. Efficiency to do what? To shoot at Exeter Death Star? To lose to SpaceShip Hill at Comet Lacrosse? High Command speaks so much about efficiency, yet I know for a fact that they dump all our food waste into space. It’s just plain disgraceful, as many of us are pretty dedicated to cleaning up our universe. And of course, don’t even get me started on the food. Our community farm on level 4 is thriving, but that’s only enough for teachers and stormtroopers. For us students, the only thing to eat is leftovers. I mean, just yesterday I had my third straight meal of Bantha tartare. And it certainly didn’t help my mood that my lightsaber was confiscated during our bunk search. I am so tired of the way that this death star is being run that I find myself hoping we get blown up for the third time.