The Eighth Page

Phillipian Satire: Will This Freshman’s Perfect March Madness Bracket Save Him From Bullying?

            Unless you’re living under a rock (or in isolation), you’ve definitely heard the big news. For the first time, ever, someone has filled out a perfect March Madness bracket. That someone is me. I won. But don’t get the wrong idea, I could care less about basketball. You see, I’m in the statistics game. Every year, I see March Madness as an opportunity to learn, to test the boundaries of probability and prediction. Nothing gets me more jazzed up than a shiny new graph or a raw data set. It was no easy task, though; there are quintillion possibilities for a complete March Madness bracket. Good thing I picked Oral Roberts going all the way. However, since I won, I plan to live a good life. Much unlike Jeff Bezos, my billions will not go to waste.

            My first purchase will be a Lambo. I know I’m only 14, but there’s no reason to not be prepared for the future. I’ll drop out of high school of course, and then create a very low-quality Youtube channel teeming with not so subtle flexes and confusing “pranks” that terrorize innocent bystanders. And from there, there’s only one direction. Spending more money that I don’t need to. You know how they say drip or drown? Well, my friends and I are going to be drowning in the drip. Watches, chains, middle toe rings; I want it all. You think your diamonds are expensive? Try buying a 2011 Honda Civic with a surface area completely encrusted with 24k diamonds. I don’t need it, or particularly want it, but now I’ll have it. 

But don’t get the idea that I’m a selfish person. I live by the value that when I eat, everybody eats. I’m talking LED lights, VR headsets, and bigger mini fridges for everyone I know. If you want Doordash, it’s already ordered. Oh you want another McFlurry? I’ll buy the whole machine. And this is not even including what I’ll do for all my Andover peers. I’ll buy my way to the top, clear out the board of trustees, and order a bunch of vaccines for the school. I’m sure I’ll find a way. Herd immunity never seemed so easy. Some people might be skeptical of all of these purchases, saying “You’re only 14, why are you spending so much?” But for those worried about my financial future, don’t worry. I’m not paying any taxes, so this money should last for a while.