THANKSGIVING: a holiday celebrating family and over-indulgence, and the one day of the year where no one judges you for unbuttoning your pants when you watch TV. It’s a story about tourists and locals and the idea of sharing, right? Wrong! A certain technologically inadequate President, who will remain unnamed, has fed you lies. The real story of Thanksgiving is so epic that it has been hidden from the general public for generations in fear that the awesomeness would overpower them. However, we at Features have gotten hold of the true story of Thanksgiving and are now prepared to share it with you. Our tale begins in the upper reaches of New England, in a small town called Andover, Massachusetts. This village is most famously known as the home of Phillips Academy, a school that was in tune with the Forces of Cool. The Forces of Cool were an all-seeing power that held balance in the region. To be in touch with the Forces of Cool meant that you had friends and socialized and that your football teamcame up big during important rival football games. North of Andover lay an evil foe, Exeter. Exeter had turned to the dark side of the forces and had an evil vision for the rest of the world. Their leader, Darth Social-Life Evader, and his evil pet, Stankosaurus Rex, had the most horrible and devious plan for the world. He wanted everyone to do homework forever. The Forces of Good (or Cool) at Andover were perturbing Phillips Academy’s leader, General Jar Jar BinCooler-than-Exeter. Sensing an approaching attack, he prepared the Andover students for a rousing and epic battle. But what Jar Jar BinCooler-Than-Exeter never considered in his battle calculations was Exeter’s horrid lack of foresight, inferior mental capabilities and lack of athletic ability. Foiling the Exeter attack was like buying candy from Susie’s: not particularly difficult, just inconvenient when the gummy worms are on the bottom row. The battle itself lasted for less than an hour. As the Exeter troops approached, one Andover student readied his bow and fired what is referred to as, “the shot heard ‘round the quad…” except no one heard it ’cause it was a bow and arrow. Unsurprisingly, the Exeter student accidentally shot one of his own men. Also, as the infantry advanced, their leader got his head stuck in his helmet. The remainder of the battle was spent attempting to get him unstuck. During the battle, one of the Andover students commented, “Dear Lord, they’re all a bunch of turkeys!” To celebrate the effortless victory, Andover students held a huge feast during which they all shared reasons for which they were grateful that they attended Andover. They consumed turkey as a tribute to the Exeter students and their delightfully sad efforts. And that, folks, is the real story of Thanksgiving. Stay tuned for the real story of Christmas in Episode Five and the tale of Passover in Episode Six, and then we’re gonna skip back to Episode One for the real story of Adam and Eve. Yes, we know it would make much more sense to start at the beginning, and no, this definitely isn’t a money ploy. Sleep well, kids.
