I remember the awkward smile that my fourth grade teacher made when I addressed her by “Mrs. Greene” instead of her preferred “Ms. Greene.” I remember my brother’s teacher who insisted on being called by “Miss,” stressing that she was not married. I remember how my friends giggled when I addressed an old librarian lady with a wedding ring as “Miss.” To a new immigrant from a foreign country, it was difficult to catch the slight but also significant difference between “Miss,” “Ms.,” and “Mrs.”
The use of “Miss,” “Ms.,” and “Mrs.” was one of the most confusing concepts I faced immigrating to the United States of America. It was a cultural tradition that was deeply engraved in American society, and I had to figure out whether each of my teachers were married to avoid accidentally insulting them. I thought it was just a part of American culture until recently, when I wondered why I was naturally trying to remember whether someone was married or not before calling their names.
We have the legal freedom to choose whatever titles we desire, and there are no such titles that are “right” to use. The problem arises not necessarily because we use “Miss,” “Ms.,” or “Mrs.,” but because language reflects society. The identifiers “Miss” and “Mrs.” acknowledge women through their relationship with a man, which is the reason why “Ms.” was proposed as a marriage-neutral alternative later on. In an ever changing society like ours, tradition is not a good enough reason to keep our 200-year-old habit. It is time to focus on what we really want and rethink the little bits of tradition in our lives that might be restricting our views.
History shows us that marital status did not used to be so important for identifying women. It was only 200 years ago, out of 200,000 years of human history, that the titles like “Miss” and “Mrs.” came to use.
According to Dr. Amy Erickson, a professor of Feminist History at Cambridge University, both “Miss” and “Mrs.” come from the word “mistress,” which was generally used to describe respected women in society. It was only starting in the 19th century that people started to apply “Miss” to relatively younger adult women, and eventually use “Mrs.” and “Miss” to connote the marital status of women. Although we don’t put much meaning into this daily custom, the use of the titles might be influencing our perception of gender and marriage, perhaps even making marriage look like an important factor for women’s identity. In most situations, marriage is not the most important information to have when meeting a new person, just as how we don’t feel the necessity to specify marriage when addressing people as “Mr.” Especially in a work-based environment, accomplishments and their qualities as an individual should be what matters more.
Again, I would like to stress that there is no “must” in this issue; no one should be discouraged from using the identifiers that they find most comfortable. Nevertheless, it is important and necessary to make sure that we have agency over the titles we use. Language is a quiet but powerful habit. We tend to think and behave in accordance with the words we use. Once the habit settles in, we cannot possibly imagine or question that we might be boxing ourselves in the accustomed way. Rethinking is not about denying our previous habits but assessing if we want to keep having the same habit. We must expose our subconscious and assess if it corresponds to what we truly want as an individual, apart from the norms of the society.
