On Monday, the first day of spring term, Paresky Commons opened its doors to students for their first lunch in the new facility. During the three lunch periods, the tremendous lines to acquire food stretched well beyond the front doors. In fact, the fifth period line stretched from the pizza station to the mail room doors at George Washington Hall. The line, which was estimated to average 1/5 of a mile in length, discouraged many students. The Monday afternoon incident was only one in a series of DMV-like lines plaguing Paresky’s lunch periods. “How am I expected to finish that term paper for class during lunch when it takes 30 minutes to get my food?” said Roy S. Murmon ’09. Some students preferred to remain optimistic and view their proverbial glass as half-full. “I got to watch ESPN while in line on Wednesday because it was all the way down into the Den!” said Chuck Milton ’10. “It was awesome!” In an effort to reduce the lines, the higher-ups at Paresky have employed several tactics. On Thursday, Commons workers at the pizza station allowed for students to cut their own pizza, in hopes that workers would save time needed to cook them. However, many students believed the entire pizza was theirs for the taking. This fiasco resulted in a shortage of pizza sauce, on top of 18 Isham visits for what one student called “marathon diarrhea.” Another plan introduced by Paresky administrators was the hiring of bouncers to keep extra people off of the line. Unfortunately, their budget was exhausted due to the tremendous cost of maintaining lower left, which has yet to be occupied by more than 15 people at once. On Friday, Commons staff attempted “bouncer tactics” once again, using the former Uncommons workers who were laid off when Paresky opened. However, the plan failed again as the former workers-turned-bouncers were subdued by the students and passed down the food line until they reached the entrance to Gelb Science Center. While a solution to the line problem is still in the early stages of development, there is still hope and optimism from Pareski administrators. “This is just an adjustment period,” said an unnamed Paresky manager, “As many know, when Uncommons opened, lines stretched all the way to the library, GW, Gelb, you name it. This caused many close calls as well as three car-related deaths as the line crossed School St., but we got over it after the lawsuits. We just need to let the problem take care of itself.” Many worry that if the problem is not fixed, students will strike outside of Paresky in demand of better eating conditions. In fact, one minor strike already took place on Saturday, in which approximately 35 students picketed outside the building. “The strike totally worked,” said John Sprockzen ’09. “When I went inside, the lines were super short. I don’t know how they did it, but they did. And all of us are grateful for their sacrifice.” Unfortunately, when the strikers realized the bounties of their protest and returned to Paresky, they found the lines to be just as long as before. “Back to square one, I guess,” said Lyndsie Fogelworthy ’11. “At least we got to get a good look at that ice sculpture. But I have to ask, why the hell isn’t it melting?”
