Begun in the midst of the Phillips Academy’s fifth year, the Feechlympics have occurred in both the winter and summer of every 69th year since. The original tagline for the games also outlined the requirements, otherwise known as the Three W’s: work ethic, white, and wiener. Although some of the sexually and racially offensive themes were dropped at a pre-games trustees meeting 69 ½ years ago, the mindset still exists with many of the older board members. Instituted by Samuel Phillips himself, some of the original games that still are used include lawn gnome tossing, lawn gnome lifting, lawn gnome drawing, lawn gnome riding and baseball. While the games are surely the most exciting aspect of the Feechlympics, the pre-game and post-game activities also hold much tradition. The Great Lawn Piss Off kicks off the games, yet is also considered a part of the pre-game ceremonies. Making a giant circle on the Great Lawn, mainly men will prepare for the event for as much as the preceding four to five weeks, refusing to relieve themselves until that Sunday morning on the Great Lawn. The man who lasts the longest is declared the winner, with the current record standing at 2 hours, 7 minutes, and 69 seconds, which was proudly achieved by my great-great-great-great-grandfather Al Fowkes. He was the man. Sponsored by the Features Section of The Phillipian, all members of the school are invited to participate. In addition, by tradition Arts Section board members are the judges, but the winners are actually the participants that they vote as the worst. This system has been proven effective thanks to the ridiculously low IQs of the Arts Section, which is also the reason that they have been unable to rig the system to actually pick the contestant they like. Dummies. One of the better known pieces of the Feechlympics is the myth that goes along with how it originated. Word has it that Samuel Phillips lay in bed one evening, and as he dozed off to sleep Christ came to him in a dream. The Lord was naked, and he demanded that Phillips must love his family and treat his peers with more love and respect. When he woke up the next morning, Phillips remembered next to nothing, believing to have seen the future, as he for some reason kept repeating the name Prince Fielder, who supposedly had told him to create the game of baseball so that he could dominate the national league, and so that Barry Zito could someday become famous. As a result, he created the Feechlympics, and with Barry Zito’s recent celebrity the myth has been confirmed as 100% true. Of course, with such an amazing event, it is difficult to not hit some bumps along the road to perfecting the celebration. Two Feechlympics ago in 1870, Barbara Chase’s first year as Head of School, a giant blowup float of Samuel Phillips deflated on the Head of School. Having to be rushed to the hospital after nearly suffocating, the ‘Lympic council met and cancelled the event for that year and the next scheduled Feechlympics, hoping to relieve the shock factor of the near death experience. Hence, while the games have only been held once in the school’s history, this year will hopefully be the next. In closing, I ask you to appreciate the coming games, as the traditions they hold are simply spectacular. While no records are expected to be broken, as students now are significantly nerdier than in the 90s (1790s, that is), all we ask for is some effort, and a strong showing in the Piss Off. Therefore, I leave you with good luckand this advice: Drink lots of water and take cold showers. Thank you. —Billy Fowkes
