On Wednesday night, Joe Lee Rancher ’16 was admitted to Isham Health Center due to an overdose of Halloween candy. Doctors have faith that he will make a full recovery. But this faith is easily comparable to the faith you had in the Easter Bunny when you were four—that is to say, blind. Rancher’s full recovery is still largely in question. “We can’t say that we have ever seen this condition before. It is a very rare disease that we in the medical world call indigestion,” said Dr. Salt on behalf of Isham Medical Center. Between spoonfeeding Rancher excessive dosages of Pepto Bismol, caretakers of Rancher have been wondering just how exactly he managed to consume 18 pounds of candy. “Well, I just kind of kept going. I mean, I had my bros pushing me on, and they were placing bets on how much I could eat, so… it just kind of happened,” Rancher said in an interview with A Newspaper. His prefect is obviously very disappointed in how little effect the Wellness Week seminar on high school relationships had on his prefectee. The Newspaper then asked Rancher how he even acquired such quantities of candy. He was reluctant to respond at first, but when we assured him he’d get off free if he gave us the name of the provider, Rancher talked. “It was harder than you’d think. My friend and I got a lot of flack for dressing up as Magic Mike and Boy George, but how else were we supposed to get candy-providers’ attentions? We had to run through different neighborhoods grabbing whatever candy we could get our hands on in exchange for a few hands grabbing at us. At the end of the night, we decided we didn’t have enough candy, so of course we ended up at CVS. Definitely not cheating.” Finally, we had to ask, when will Rancher grow up and out of Halloween? He responded, “Can you age out of candy? Or Zombies? Or cavities? In a word, no. I intend to trick-or-treat until I am actually dead. And even then I may not stop because my zombie costume will be so realistic.” Looks like Rancher’s dangerous addiction is one that may last him more than just a lifetime.
