All across Rockwell, a terrible blight befell its dwellers. As destined by Apollo, on the third week of the ninth month, grades dropped throughout the halls, sickened individuals hiked over to Isham, the notorious “freshmen forty” kicked in and, worst of all, the Nathan Hale girls no longer dared to enter the downstairs common room. As one voice, all the freshmen spoke to their king. “Oh, ruler of my dorm, Oedipus Frosh, do you not see the gods’ infliction upon us? On your arrival, only you could solve Mrs. Chases’ riddle in the chapel. We remember well, as we struggled to determine, “What has 8 in the morning, 4 at lunch, and none by the afternoon?” We thought and thought to no avail. Yet you, sire, figured it out. Why, it was a Blue Key!” Oedipus Frosh considered their plight. He called upon the great prophet known as Carlos Hoyt, who knew all in the realm of Andover, to unearth the cause of the Rockwell plague. Without hesitation, Carlos said, “But of course, Oedipus, take it as you will, but you are the root of it all! Your own filth permeates this dorm!” At first, the great king thought this was a reference to the pizza stains on his shirt, or the fact that he had not yet taken a shower, both common characteristics of a Rockwell citizen. Although soon enough, Oedipus realized that the “filth” was metaphorical, and the secret lay somewhere within himself. To aide him in the process of reflection, Oedipus headed over to Graham House, and in full confidentiality, admitted an event which happened many years ago. On that night, an oracle foretold of a grim future for Oedipus: he would be rejected from all Ivy League colleges and at same time, destroy the reputation of his best friend. And so Oedipus reasoned that he could not continue on his path to the no-name town high school, jeopardizing his own future and the reputation of his friends. All roads pointed to Phillips Academy! The Graham House counselor’s face revealed that she would have much rather discussed drugs, alcohol and sex than matters of fate and fortune. Nonetheless, she probed Oedipus to continue and so he did. “Upon my acceptance, that summer, I created the Class of 2014 page on facebook. The bombardment of friend requests surprised me, and I began checking out my future classmates when…Oh….Oh, no! I couldn’t have. I didn’t know him then, but one kid set his profile picture to one of himself shirtless at the beach and I wrote on his wall, “Nobody friend the tool.” And nobody did! But now he lives in my hall and we are as close as brothers.” “And now that I think about it…just in my hall, there is someone better than me in classes, sports, music, clubs…even personality. After all, look how cocky I am. Why would Harvard, Yale, or Princeton take me over them? Ah! The gods’ have conspired against me and both their fates are true!” Consumed in sadness and remorse, Oedipus Frosh ended his reign. Then he exiled himself to an eternity of Rockwell restriction, destined to stay in his room, do his homework, study without visitors, and most importantly, have lights out by 11 P.M.
