I have never had an unexcused absense at Phillips Academy. Never. Not once, never ever, not in three years and four days. So you ask, John, why have you never missed a class? Because you never know when the great ones are coming, my fond and loyal reader. Tips on how to make a boring class fun: 1. When the teacher is talking, mumble what they are saying. Get progressively louder and louder until they comment, then deny saying anything. Right when they start up again, start up yourself, and repeat until sent back to dorm. 2. Always bring food from Commons back to the classroom. The more soup and meat you can get, the better. Slurp the soup during your teacher’s monotone drolls, and chomp on the meat. Twenty dollars says they won’t comment. They are like bears, more scared of you than you of them. 3. In English, pick a blatantly ridiculous argument and back it up. Use profanity when needed. Pretend to start crying when the teacher disagrees. Throw stuff. Guarenteed your instructor report will read, “John was a model student in class this year, as he added to class discussions and…”. 4. Go to class under the influence of something with a cool name. I personally like Commons food. 5. Whenever you have your hand raised, but your teacher calls on somebody else, start talking over that student’s voice when they start talking. Not only is it incredibly rude, but people actually do this. 6. Be one of those kids who is always cutting the teacher off mid-sentence because the class has technically ended. Start packing your bag ten minutes before the end, and just stare at the clock. 7. Take off your shirt. It does get hot in math class. 8. Be that person who never has a pencil, asks to borrow one, promises to return it, and then doesn’t. Dick. 9. Whenever the teacher asks you to write something on the board, act like it is a real physical exersion, and walk as slowly as you can. Sigh and stumble when necessary. 10. When you are sick, don’t go to Isham. If you are throwing up, just bring the trash can next to your chair and hurl when necessary. 11. Complain about the length of homework even when it was short. Tell the teacher you have better things to do with your time, and that when the OC is on, you don’t expect as much work. 12. Act like you are really interested in a topic, ask the teacher about it with as much enthusiasm as possible, and when they start talking, just put your head down on the desk and hum. 13. When your cell phone goes off in class, blaring that Jessica Simpson ring, tell the teacher you need to take the call, and pick up. Carry on any conversations you deem necessary. 14. Always ask a neighbor when you don’t understand something. If they ignore you, start yelling in their ears. Throw down if you really have to. 15. When somebody makes a comment you feel is stupid, start laughing and point at them. Pull out: “what an idiot.” 16. If the teacher ever corrects a student yell, “put that in your pipe and smoke it,” while laughing. Pull out and smoke your own pipe for extra effect. 17. If you feel like class should be over, then it should be. Get your stuff, get out, and dismiss the class. 18. If in the Gelb Science Center, call the room phone number from your cell phone. When the teacher picks up, ask them to give you a 6, and when they look over at you, wink. I actually pulled this one myself. 19. Whenever writing in chalk, push down as hard as possible, and keep the screeching going. Deny it being your chalk, even when alone at the board. 20. Bring in a camera and take pictures of your teacher while they are speaking. When they ask why you are taking pictures, tell them that Hustler is having a nominate-your-teacher sweepstake. 21. When reading a classic in English, bring in the Sparksnotes book and read it during class. When the teacher asks you what you are doing, say that you just found it on the florr. 22. Take ten minutes trying to sharpen your pencil with the manual sharpener during a major test. Go back to your seat, and just write the test in ink. 23. When a teacher asks for a page number, make one up. 24. During a test, look over to the person next to you, and yell, “No, I will not give you the answer to number 12”. Follow by smiling and winking.
