Aries That extra helping of mashed potatoes at Thanksgiving? Yeah, that was a poor move on your part. Your arteries were already pretty clogged up in the first place. Now you’ve just sealed the deal. Genius, really. So much for that whole dieting plan. Expect a heart attack in the next few hours. Taurus Beware the George Foreman grill this week. It turns out that it’s neither lean, nor mean. Heck, the concept of a fat-reducing grilling machine is just preposterous. And just who does this boxer fellow think he is? Telling me how to grill my meat. Screw that. Gemini Your scheduled colonoscopy will end in tragedy. Brace yourself for the worst. Virgo Your girlfriend is totally cheating on you with that guy in your math class. Whatshisface… Robert. Yeah, Robert. I mean c’mon now. You must be blind not to have seen this coming. She was way out of your league, anyway. And that baby she’s carrying? Relax, it’s not yours. Leo Today is the perfect day for meeting new friends. When that stranger rolls around in his big van and offers you candy, be sure to get in and accept his gracious offer. Turning down free candy is probably one of the stupidest things you can do. Cancer Your breath smells pretty rancid right now so try and avoid any direct encounters with people in the near future. If you must breathe, then do it when no one else is around. Seriously, eat some mints or something. Libra You will read a horoscope, and then return to it later to laugh at its inaccuracy. Saggittarius You will look up the meaning of Saggittarius. It is a dinosaur.
