As Seniors begin the struggle to pull off threes and fours in one third period Math 650 section, 9th grader Timmy McCalculus is passing with flying colors—and the Seniors don’t like it one bit! “Three days in, and already the kid is just making me peeved,” said one Senior from the class. “The worst thing is that he’s the best in the class, and is an absolute jerk about the fact that he is the best! It’s really not a good way to get upperclassmen to like you.” McCalculus has learned how to perfectly annoy his classmates through tactics such as answering all questions, offering to do the final homework problem on the board, and often making statements such as, “Oh yeah, I think I remember that from sixth grade.” McCalculus is also that guy who comes to class late and jokes about it with the teacher. Meanwhile, another person walks in late behind him and the teacher mentions that “two more lates makes a cut,” typically getting all the upperclassmen “quite miffed.” Many complaints have been floating around campus, some of which include McCalculus’ “condescending tone used in study groups,” “backpack TI-83 pouch,” and a comment written on the bathroom wall in reference to his awkward presence at varsity sports dinner tables. “The worst part is when he talks to me on the path,” commented one senior, “it’s always something like, ‘Wow, that test last Tuesday was such a joke,’ or, ‘I love pop quizzes!’ It’s like he wants me to punch him in the face.” “He also complains about anything below a 98. I don’t know how else to say it other than he really angers me,” claimed the same Senior. “I mean, on the last test he scored a 96 and spent the rest of the day trying to think of ways to get the teacher fired. The test average was a 62.” Despite this obvious hatred directed towards him, McCalculus doesn’t let it bother him. “They can say anything they want,” McCalculus says. “I don’t need any friends when I’ve got my TI-84. It’s the silver edition you know.” But what really annoys the other 650 students off is that McCalculus refuses to help anybody with their math work. “You would think that since he’s the smartest kid in the class, it would be his job to help everyone else in the class, but he just refuses,” says another Senior classmate. Teachers have also expressed some of the same feelings toward McCalculus that his classmates have. He is notorious for getting even the hardest questions right and completely destroying the curve. “I get pleasure from giving impossible tests and watching students struggle, but McCalculus just takes all the joy out of life,” said one teacher who wished to remain annonymous. Everyone also hates his last name.
