While many of us were developing tans, beach bodies and pastel shorts collections over Spring Break, Carré Zay ’16 was developing a fever—a fever that has only one cure. And no, the cure was not more cowbell. The news broke on Monday when Zay mysteriously started to flee campus at the sight of her beautiful, red brick dorm. Authorities soon realized Zay was not simply hallucinating. After blindfolding the student, PAPS was able to successfully transfer her to the nearest mental health facility in Exeter, New Hampshire. Our sources informed us that Zay was diagnosed with March Madness as a result of post traumatic stress disorder caused by her horrific college basketball bracket. This explains her unusual reaction to red brick buildings which so ominously mimic the colonial style of many institutions of higher learning. Zay’s fear went beyond elegant federalist architecture, however, as reminders of college basketball are everywhere. Oranges, wolverines, ducks, dreadlocks, running, breathing and ,of course, Dunkin Donuts have all evoked bad memories for Zay and simply set her off. The mental facility grappled with how they could deal with such a tough disorder and how they could get Zay to overcome her fear of food, animals and obscure adjectives like crimson or Latin phrases like Hoya Saxa. Dr. Phil explained, “Well, we started by making dangle her modifiers and kill Latin, then we began feeding Zay seedless fruits. Slowly but surely, we added seed-by-seed, and he got over her fear. Periodically we had him watch re-runs of the Wild Thornberrys. The various kinds of wildlife really helped in her Warren G Harding-esque return to normalcy.” Dr. Phil also added that he had to immediately swap Full House for Wild Thornberrys whenever Zay started to act up again. They discovered that the impeccable Saget-Stamos combo was the only thing that could help Zay recover from her outbursts. On Thursday, Zay received the good news that the treatment was working, and she was allowed to return to campus. Sadly, Andover Hill may not be the safest environment for Zay, for reports of illegal NCAA Tournament betting in her class have been circulating around campus. Luckily, Zay’s fellow classmates seem to be accepting of her condition. They claim they have reduced bracket usage and that only a few outlaws still partake in the festivities, but rumors have been circling that several classmates of Zay’s have been making copious currency off of her overly busted bracket. So, is the Class of 2016 lying to its dear friend Carré Zay? Are they taking advantage of her disorder? Does more government money need to be put towards research of this puzzling March Madness condition? Can we trust the system? Is anarchy a better route for America? Features is turning to all-around expert Ice-T to figure this toughy out.
