Freddy Krueger – Owns a hair salon with Edward Scissorhands. Ghengis Khan – He is dead, but his genetics are scattered throughout East Asia. Cruella De Vil – Only 55 of those pesky dogs left… “He Who Must Not Be Named” aka Lord Voldemort – Coming to kill us for saying his name. Hitler – Not much to report. Still dead. Saddam Hussein – See Hitler. The “Man” – Still on top. Eddie Murphy acting in a comedy after 1989 – Repenting for Pluto Nash in the mountains of Tibet. Jigsaw – In 3D. Samara, the girl from “The Ring” – Turned her life around. Now serves as the model and spokesperson for Herbal Essences. The Grinch – Doing eight to 10 at Whoville State Penitentiary for grand larceny. Get it? He stole Christmas. The cast of Jersey Shore – Gym, Tanning, Laundry and exploiting American consumerism to make money off alcoholism and idiocy. Sarah Palin with a helicopter and shotgun – Cryogenically freezing herself in order to run for president in 2112. Jasper, Casper’s very unfriendly cousin – Tried to kill his more successful cousin… Forgot they were both already dead. Dracula – Bought a private island in the Bahamas with the money from the last movie he was in. All that sun didn’t work out so well for him. Now in a private hospital being treated for severe burns. Werewolf from “Wolfman” – Prowling through theaters near you! No, seriously. He hops from theater to theatre living off fallen popcorn. Ninjas – Look around you. See that quiet Asian kid? The Mummy – Got annoyed by all the tourists that kept waking him up. He left the pyramids (story was documented in a Scooby Doo episode) to find a new home. He appears to be making his way to Green Bay, Wisconsin, the toilet paper capital of the world. There have been no confirmed sightings of him in a while; however, citizens along the east coast have reported mysterious and suspicious cases of stolen toilet paper. Britney Spears – Still actively competing for worst celebrity scandal. She’s having a tough time against Lindsay Lohan. The Joker from “The Dark Knight” – Started a children’s show not long ago. Mothers have threatened to sue the Joker for showing their children his scars. The Boogeyman – Now suffers from back problems from hiding under your bed all day. Children nationwide rejoiced as he announced his upcoming retirement. Chuck Norris – I’m afraid I can’t reveal the whereabouts of the elusive figure Chuck Norris. No one knows where he is, but he knows where you are. Also, he might hunt me down and roundhouse kick me to the moon if I share any information about him. Ronald McDonald – In the nightmares of six-year-olds everywhere. He might call it a Happy Meal, but it’s more like a Traumatizing Nightmare for $3.99. Your Racist Great Aunt – She may have lived through World War I, but that doesn’t mean she can go around blaming “the minorities” for everything. The Exonian Staff – Who cares? – Charles Van Eijk and The Features Staff
