Last year, at Andover, we had an astonishing 83 percent matriculation rate. But for Features, this statistic is not good enough. We wanted to find out why the other 17 percent chose not to attend. After spending countless hours watching Newsline, cross referencing Wikipedia and titrating a terrific amount of titanium, we discovered that the 17 percent of the admitted students that did not matriculate actually died due to the dangers of the colonial era. Every student who is accepted to Andover wants to attend; we know this now as a fact. The sad truth is that they were all victims to the cruel hands of the pre-gender and race society that was the colonial era.
Before the school year began, a group of ten pre-frosh Andover students hailing from the Upper East Side of Manhattan, boarded a train they believed was destined for Boston in order to get a lay of the land before deciding to attend Andover. Unbeknownst to them, they were actually on a train headed for a malaria-ridden Jamestown, Virginia. They were never heard from again.
A congregation of ten prospective students were working on a dairy farm in Barbados over the summer, when they lost all their toes in a curious mix-up with the electric-milker and were stricken with the legendairy bovine influenza, also known as the M1OO1. The flu took their no-toed victims in just a matter of days—almost as fast as a dairy cow out of a milk factory. Coincidently, they were also a rather intolerant bunch and had a tough time swallowing their medicine with the provided chocolate milk.
Seven more new students had gone digging in old Native American burial grounds in search of John Smith’s famous colonial treasure before heading off to Andover. While in the historical cemetery, they met an obstacle by the name of Graves. After much competitive and dueling play, the students sadly succumbed to the monster’s beating because of sustained injuries from sharp objects.
Nine new students from London boarded a Carnival Cruise ship and were en route to Boston when they crashed, a party and only to find they were sinking, into the island vibe and could never climb out.
Finally, one student came to Andover in September with a pocket full of perseverance, some new knowledge about the art of preserving food with salt and a satchel full of determination. Unfortunately, this young lad’s dreams were crushed when a roving gang of Andover natives surrounded him and gave him the catbonering of a lifetime as they yelled at him from their horse drawn carriages, calling him a “beslubbering rapscallion.” One eyewitness said, “I had never seen someone catbonered for so long and so badly and with so many pilgrim hats.”
As hard as it is to believe, last year actually had the least amount of pre-matriculation deaths Andover has ever seen. Despite the best efforts of penicillin, this year the percent of students who died before being able to attend this institution rose back to the average of 21 percent. We can attribute this latest statistic to global warming and super viruses. Save yourselves!
