Memories, for me, are ever-present. They permeate every part of my being, from the way I speak and write to how I approach challenges in my life. In this way, holding onto memories is like a superpower. They allow me to live my life with expectations and hopes that reflect the experiences I have endured.
However, what happens when memories are painful? When nostalgia is not comforting but disquieting? Suddenly, it can be hard to find the values of memories when with them comes an overbearing negativity. Holding onto negative memories can indeed cause more damage than good to the individual. Fixating on the past puts us at risk of losing the present, which is detrimental to our ability to cherish the experiences and opportunities that our current reality has to offer. Yet, even when memories are painful, their lessons can not only prevent the consequences of suppressing them but also reveal emotions that build character and inspire personal growth.
In one of my favorite books, “1984” by George Orwell, there exists a mechanism called the “memory hole.” The memory hole is a chute that ultimately acts as an incinerator, and anything that is disposed of into the memory hole effectively disappears. The primary purpose of the memory hole is to eradicate any object of inconvenience — for instance, in “1984,” historical documents or records that contradict the beliefs and policies of society’s governing body, known as The Party. With history manipulated and forgotten, the present is then warped.
When I first came to Andover, I wondered what I would do if I had a memory hole that could eliminate my memories and not just exterior documents. At that time, I missed home and everything it was composed of: my friends, my family, and my dogs. It would be so easy to simply dump my nostalgia into an incinerator and let it alleviate some of my desire for home, much like Winston, the protagonist of “1984,” does when he destroys an object of discomfort. Perhaps diminishing the soreness of remembrance might help me enjoy my new school and living environment more. I quickly began to think about applying the memory hole idea to other experiences. In any circumstance of great change and development, a chute and incinerator would essentially desensitize the ache of the past. Furthermore, it would allow one to move into new experiences with no partiality, almost giving the sensation of living life rawly over and over again. However, the more I think about the memory hole, the more I realize that efforts to suppress our memories only limit our growth. To truly enjoy life, we must not destroy our memories, but instead, take them for what they are worth.
Memories are home to entire amalgamations of emotions. There is sadness and happiness, hope and pride, regret and satisfaction, and much more. Regardless, any memory evokes either comfort or discomfort. It is human nature to disregard the discomfort of memory. Yet, what if we could turn discomfort into a comfort of its own? For me, reflecting on the idea of a memory hole has helped me turn regret into motivation and sadness into acknowledgment. Coming to Andover and trying to ignore my longing for what I’d left behind only made me more focused on emotions that did not serve me. For instance, I love creative writing. At my previous school, I had a lot more writing assignments that allowed me to exercise my imagination, but because my classes at Andover tended to focus more on analytical writing, I missed being able to write creatively for school. Nevertheless, this has only encouraged me to write more on my own time. Now, I write often and continue to find joy in doing so, whether that be for a creative writing assignment in English class or an essay in history.
As I think about my time at home and with my friends and family, I now experience feelings of growth. Any regrets or unfinished goals I have are no longer sources of contrition but incentives to apply myself further from where I am now. Without learning valuable lessons from our past ordeals, we cannot truly improve ourselves. Therefore, I encourage you to imagine your own memory hole. If you had a mechanism that could assuage any discomforting memory, what exactly would you dispose of? With this in mind, you can figure out what in particular you need to face and grow from, for the more we run from our memories, the more they chase us.
