The Eighth Page

Phillipian Satire: An Honest Senior Reflection

To my fellow students and beloved teachers: As I stand here today, looking out at the vast sea of faces before me, I am reminded of the memories I have made with each and every one of you. Whether it be through good times or bad, we have always been a part of the same colloquial “Big Blue Family.” And though we may be stereotyped as a school full of druggies, alcoholics and Communists, my experiences here have proved that it’s the people that make Andover fun, not any illicit substances! Like that one time before th- well, we had that Venezuelan snow… Or that dance where we- nah, that was when we hit up that Andover High School kid, wasn’t it?
Aight, screw it. To be honest, half of y’all kinda suck. I mean, don’t get me wrong there are lots of chill people here, but some of you guys need an ego check. Trust me, nobody thinks you’re the [expletive] for pulling up blasted to Casino Night. Also, y’all are not slick for slipping that 5.9 GPA into every conversation. We don’t care. Like, c’mon, I’m majoring in journalism. Why do I need a 105 percent in calculus? And don’t even get me started on the disciplinary system. I mean damn, GAPS? Really? C’mon. I’m sorry, but it’s stupid. It’s a stupid system.
To my teachers: In the spirit of non sibi, I’ll be honest for a second. That time I “slept through” math class? Smoking pot with the hypnotist guy in the Borden squash courts. Remember when I was “too sick” to go to English? Hooking up with an Andover High School kid in the downstairs Commons bathroom (y’all are lucky I covered it up with barbeque sauce). How about when I “shattered my collarbone” and couldn’t submit my History 300 paper on time? Actually, my memory of that one’s pretty hazy, but I do remember that it involved a Gunga costume, Uburger, and an unnamed faculty member’s scent.
In conclusion: Screw y’all, I’m taking a gap year in Methuen. [Mic Drop]