The Eighth Page

Phillipian Satire: Diary of the Uninterested

Dear Diary,
Today was pretty rad. I got up at 9:30, when the unexcused absence email from first period woke me up. Still pretty hungover from my unbeaten night in Chel last night. I sat up and checked my phone. I noticed a message from my mom saying some random girl liked one of her Facebook posts (@RealWomenVoteForTrump, if anyone’s interested) of my fifth-grade graduation. I didn’t really think much of it, and I had enough on my plate being the president of the Crypto club and all (we’re trying to get an Abbot Grant to make some NFTs of RayK). The rest of the day went pretty well, until EBI. I usually just skip it, but my advisor told me that, as the EBI Senior, I should really go to at least half of the meetings. The whole lesson was all about women’s suffrage, pretty standard EBI stuff. I just said what they wanted to hear, that women’s suffrage was terrible, and we should do everything we could to get rid of it. I mean, who wants women to suffer? I guess all the kids at EBI are super sexist or something because they all gasped and looked at each other. Well, everyone except this one girl who was just staring at me. She must’ve been pretty baked because I don’t think she even blinked. Right after EBI, the girl went up to me and said we had some chemistry together. I was like, “Yeah, no [expletive], Sherlock.” She’s in my chem class, which is weird because I’m a Senior, and she’s a Lower. Actually, come to think of it, everyone else in that class is a Lower too. Weird. Anyways, after EBI, I heard from one of my buddies on the hockey team that the girl from EBI had written a whole Valentines note on The Philippian. Apparently, it took up an entire page. Unfortunately, thanks to 13 concussions, an early weed addiction, and a bad second-grade teacher, I can’t exactly read, so I had to take their word for it.
Signing off,
Brian Damage