The Eighth Page

Phillipian Satire: Evalyn and Nicky’s Mother’s Day Letters Got Leaked

(sorry, moms)

Dear Mom,

Happy Mother’s Day! Thank you for pushing me out into this beautiful, kind world! I can’t imagine the pain it took…I have a very large head as you know. You have fed me, clothed me, and provided a roof over my head. Sure, you are legally obligated to do those things for me, but you’ve truly gone above and beyond. You always bring me fruit when I am studying, a signature Asian mom love language. It’s like how at Google they have free food to make their employees work harder! I wouldn’t say that I am spoiled, but when I’m studying in the library, no librarian brings me a plate of peeled and cut pears!! Attending boarding school really taught me to appreciate a mother’s love.

You have taught me many things. I remember when I was in elementary school, some kid at school mentioned the word “virgin.” I didn’t know the meaning of that word, so when you came back home from work, I asked, “Mommy what does virgin mean?” You pulled me aside and asked, “Where did you hear that?” like we were living in a despotic regime and I muttered mutiny. I admire your creativity in your response to my question. You said, “Do you remember the Virgin Mary from the Bible?” I nodded with all the innocence of a child who grew up in Sunday school. In school, being a virgin isn’t cool. But in the Bible, Mary was cool…at least that’s what I like to tell the bullies.

Your Insolent Child #2,

Happy Mother’s Day! You are really the best. Thank you for doing all the things you do, like yelling at me for ordering McDonald’s and of course all the things that can’t be published. I really do love you no matter how many times you get mad at me for feeding the dogs. You have done so many things for me, like get me my own credit card (I hope you’re not regretting that decision now). Anyways, I love you so much and am so grateful for all the things that you do.

With all the amazing things you have done for me, the one that stands out the most is that famous night when I forgot how to put a top on a blender. Actually, I didn’t forget anything. Our blender just sucks. Anyways, I remember when you ran over to me, and asked if I was ok. But then, you started trying to scoop the sauce back into the blender for dinner as I was writhing in pain on the floor from the scorching taco sauce. Mom, I was in so much pain and all you thought about was our dinner. But anyways, I know you just wanted to get me strong and that’s why you wanted to save the dinner. (Right? Please tell me I’m right. Please.)

Your “Favorite” Son,