The Eighth Page

Phillipian Satire: Update on Senior’s Non-profit for at Risk Youth

Image of vintage nautical flags

Hello Mom, Dad, other various donors (copy to greater Andover community),

I am glad to share that our non-profit has been more profitable than ever, for the greater community, of course. The charity’s commitment to teaching so many at-risk youths the wonders of nautical flags is stronger than ever. In fact, so many of these numerous children are able to spell their names using only signal flags. I love empowering underprivileged youth by crossing language barriers, even though they’ll probably never be able to afford a boat. Seeing the smiles on so many of their faces is really what it’s all about. My Dartmouth acceptance means very little to me.

I remember when the children and I reviewed the nautical flag alphabet together one meeting (of many). At the time, mind you, these children were very at-risk. They could hardly tell the difference between a swallowtail and a fimbriated argent! Ha. Now, they all know so much more about international maritime signal flags. It is safe to say that I’ve given these kids a glimpse of their bright futures, and none of them will be out on the streets anytime soon.

However, like all non-profits, there comes an expiration date, or how I like to see it, a commencement of a new era. I feel that our non-profit has run its course (maritime reference); the children know the blazons and meanings of each letter and number flag. Unfortunately, there are only 26 letters, and numbers only go so high. It does not make sense to keep teaching such a large number of children the same thing when they have so much potential for greater aspirations.

At the end of the day, this non-profit is a business. Therefore, as Founder, Chairman, and CEO, I’ve decided to liquidate our assets and disband. Thank you for your continued support, and please know that donations are still greatly appreciated (venmo @nedthornton).