The Eighth Page

Phillipian Satire: You’ve Been Lied to… This is How Babies Are Made

I am writing to the student body because I recently heard about a Yes+ club at the school where I thought my kid would be safe. I am very concerned about this “club,” or shall I say, pipeline to hell! So, does this club make people sign up to have s*x??? What is “s*x-positivity”? You should NOT be having s*x! Allow me to give you a real s*x education, something your very expensive school fails to teach you.

S*x is a useless, sinful, evil practice that some radical leftist antifa member invented. S*x does not create babies, contrary to the lies you’ve been fed. So I will enlighten you on how a precious human life is born.

Babies are made by the big man up above, the world’s grandfather, father, son, and holy spirit. No women are involved at all in this process. Women are sin; Eve can tell you all about how she ruined the world. First, God will find the most loving, god-fearing, and discipline-doling parents, like me. These exceptional humans will receive the gift of parenthood! He will then use a system, similar to the Sims computer game, to sculpt you in His image. God is a busy man and spends less time on some than others…but to us, you are perfect[ly fine]. Once He is done, He will make you into a baby, crying and stool-passing (so cute!). Little flying birds will gently leave you at our doorstep, just like our Amazon packages, minus the one-day delivery.

He will make you for the purpose of serving your venerable parents, which is why every time you disappoint us, you are disappointing Him as well! The only way to resist the disgraceful lasciviousness of the world is to routinely chant the Lord’s Prayer every time you hear transgressions such as s*x, erogenous zones, p*rn, or the absolute worst…missionary, except for the ones who spread the good word!