The Eighth Page

Phillipian Satire: Freshman’s First Casino Night, One of Many Losses

Casino Night was a cute attempt at the real thing…wanna see my fake ID? Don’t worry, in the photo, those are grillz not braces. Before the games began, me and all the boys in Rockwell (best dorm on campus) got ready together. I wore my Land’s End khakis, a blazer with the family crest, and my Golden Gooses to show everyone I got the breesh. I usually wear Axe, but this time I got all the cologne in my dorm, mixed them together to make one super-cologne, and sprayed that all over the Little [actually big] General. Maybe if I left out the Gucci cologne, it wouldn’t have burned as much… 

Then we headed to Commons, I  picked up some Shirley Temples, shaken, not stirred, obviously. I brought my fake, wanna see it? Oh, I already showed it to you? Do you like the name I came up with: Anel Sechs? Pretty clever, huh?

Then I played a game of poker. I am like “King’s Gambit” at Poker. When I started crying after I lost going all-in, I definitely tricked everyone into thinking I was actually sad. Poker is all about deceiving your opponents. 

After Casino Night, I watched Borat with my boys in the dorm. We were about to reenact one scene, but the girl I was flirting with finally snapped me back! Seductively, she said: “Please leave me alone. I do not like you.” She’s so funny like that. I know she’s super into my determination and that’s why she’s playing hard to get. I learned persistence from gambling away hundreds of dollars of my parents’ money. Good thing my parents work in finance because I never quit. Tomorrow, I’ll ask her to be my girlfriend. In the very unlikely case that she says no, I’ll just show her my crypto profile. Then she’ll have to say yes. It’s about drive, it’s about power, we stay hungry, we devour…

To top off the night, I Door-Dashed some Micky D’s. Didn’t tip, obviously, cause I prefer to hoard my wealth, unless it comes to [intentionally] losing poker. Okay goodnight, gotta go floss the Mcnugget bits out of my braces–I mean grillz.