The Eighth Page

Phillipian Satire: One Student’s Heroic Survival Story of a Den Dance… Also a Zombie Apocolypse

It all started with an absolutely normal den dance on the night before Halloween. As I was moshing to “Mo Bamba” with the absolute 10/10 from my math class, she started to make terrifying noises. I thought she was just trying to sing along, until I noticed her foaming at the mouth. My first guess was that it was acid reflux from chugging a den oreo milkshake—I know she’s lactose intolerant. But the mosh pits started getting violently intimate; everyone was viciously biting each others’ necks! Suddenly they all turned to me with their eyes rolled back into their heads. 

Due to my keen observational skills, I figured out some sort of zombie virus was spreading. I sprinted to Sykes, although unsure whether they knew too much about viruses (Admittedly, I went to check if they replenished the latex-free condoms. Kill two birds with one stone, right?). Disappointingly, they didn’t believe me when I told them about the zombies, and they offered a counseling session instead. I tried to tell them I didn’t have time to lie about my drug use, and that there are zombies out there! I sprinted out with my pockets stuffed with condoms knowing the future of the student body was mine to save.  

The zombies were grabbing at my Golden Goose sneakers as I rushed to Pearson. I sprinted to the Academic Skills Center, hoping they would have already planned out a survival strategy. Instead I was given planners, to use as shields, and lollipops, for swords, finally they’re helpful. I dashed across the quad, zigzagging of course, into Gelb. On the second floor, I ducked into my chemistry lab and grabbed all of the materials I needed. Using my 4+ Chemistry-250 lab, with an abstract and discussion section, I pieced together a miraculous cure for the rampant flesh-decaying malady. After trapping all of the zombies in Underwood under the false pretenses of a pop-up college counseling session, I filtered my product into the airstream. The campus was saved, but it was all just a day’s work for me. Yeah Mr. Smith, I told you my methods section was perfect, now you’re a zombie.