The Eighth Page

Phillipian Satire: Off Limits Dr. Kington Lunch Topics

With the new prostitution ring of Kington lunches, students are having trouble coming up with what to speak to this stoic brick wall of a Head of School. We at the Eighth Page gained some information about Raynard himself from a close ‘family’ source and wanted to provide guidance to our impressionable reader. (We don’t know if all or any of this is true, our close source was a Junior in the makerspace swirly chair)

  1. Do not talk about bees. Raynard hates bees. When he sees one he gets all tense. We do not know why this is. We are dying to ask the man about the origin of his bee hatred, but we are afraid to. If any of you could possibly find that out, the Editors would be eternally grateful.
  2. If you start playing any song from Flo-Rida’s discography, RayK will break out into an uncontrollable dance party. He LOVES him some Flo. “My House,” “Whistle,” “Low,” or even Bat Mitzvah favorite, “Wobble.” The hits and misses of Flo Rida are irresistible to the 16-year-old graduate. 
  3. He can’t tie his shoes. You see him walk around in his “I have a house in the Hamptons” alligator skin loafers and you probably think he is just rich. But no. He simply cannot afford the embarrassment of not being able to tie a pair of sneakers. 
  4. His real name is Bob. He decided at age 12 while studying for the LSAT that Bob was too ordinary and opened a census from 1792 and chose the first name he saw. It was Raynard. He then made that his name. 
  5. Raynard Kington thinks The Godfather: Part II is better than Part I. He loves the backstory with Robert De Niro and enjoys the depiction of Sicily. We are not sure if the Head of School has ever been to Sicily himself, but according to our source, he is very enthusiastic about this sequel to the greatest gangster movie of all time. 

Please do what you will with these rumors. I am sure Dr. K will love to hear these facts about himself that are all 100 percent true. Joey the Junior said so.