The Eighth Page

Phillipian Satire: Captain Features

Dog Walking Captain, Grouper:


Grouper “No Pee Pads” Thompson is a very good dog. The best dog, argues his coach, Mrs. Simmons, an English teacher who has recently become Head Coach of Andover’s competitive dog walking team. “He’s certainly the best at what he does. I have only ever seen him poop inside once. The day he got neutered was very hard for him, though.” This day is remembered as the only fault in Grouper’s career. The cone around his head really threw off his rhythm. He has been a member of the team for seven seasons—or 49 dog seasons—and received his captainship after out pooping his dear teammate, French bulldog, Rover. “Rover was a tough competitor, but when it comes to sitting, staying, and rolling over, no one has Grouper’s flair,” Simmons adds. Even the walking course taken by the dog walking team was one discovered by the captain himself, as one day he walked off of the path of the team to smell a littered cup of noodles container and came across a new path. Ever since this discovery, Andover’s dog walking has won competitions across Eastern Massachusetts including the “Nepsac dog walk-a-thon” and the “A/E K9 Kompetition.” When asked about his training routine, Grouper adds, “Woof Bark Grrrr.” Very insightful captain, thank you for speaking to us. 

Captain Spotlight, Mailroom:

Jenny Carson

As Andover has become completely contained to campus, even the smallest of material needs have to be fulfilled by the mailroom. To help out with the increase in work cut out for the mailroom, this term they are being considered a sport. The students participate in fun activities like box carrying, competitive label making, and, of course, envelope ultimate frisbee. The team has come together and elected Jenny Carson as the captain. Jenny, as someone who has ordered over 600 packages in her three years at Andover so far, wants to give back to the office that has given her many hair clips, notebooks, and about 16 pairs of Lululemon align leggings. “It’s a really good workout, way to give back, and, of course, spy on my fellow classmates. Nathan Chester ordered a really long box from ‘pleasure town’ and then insisted it was a face cream…” Reports of broken glassware have skyrocketed since the creation of this sport, yet the administration seems not to care too much as the new sport has expedited the transportation of packages from the Amazon truck to the dorms by quite a bit. Jenny states that the sport has attracted a large assortment of students from Andover’s judgiest to the least athletic. “UPS has reached out to a number of our teammates in hopes of recruitment,” says Carson. “We hope to become an intramural team as soon as other schools stoop this low.” I truly hope that the mail team will reach this level too.