The Eighth Page

Phillipian Satire: A Letter From Our Dearly Deposed

Dear Important Andover Faculty Member, 

As you may have heard, I recently left my job in Washington D.C., a decision I made entirely of my own volition. However, it has left me, like many Americans living under my Covid-19 policies, “unemployed.” My passion for history (specifically, making it), matched with my personal debt the size of Chris Christie’s prostate, has led me to Andover. I would like to offer you the rare opportunity to have me as a full-time instructor. Although the fake news ‘academic record’ provided by the University of Pennsylvania suggests I was not a particularly outstanding student, my professionally-verified IQ of 3,000 allows me to teach really any subject I want, except Spanish. I’ve got a HUGE brain—I get called big-headed all the time. I would be excited to teach students about all types of important subjects in history, like the U.S. border wall that was definitely built, the ancient herbal remedy of bleach injection, bolstering propaganda through social media, the importance of reality TV shows, and, of course, the story of the most influential man on Earth with massive hands. Can you guess who I’m talking about? Yes, exactly, it’s me! As for logistics, I’m willing to accept any salary for this position, as long as it’s in the ballpark of $3,000,000 a year. No need to add any tax deductions—they’ll find their way out on their own. You can try to haggle with me, but as you may already know, I’m the best businessman in America. That’s why I got elected twice, lost the popular vote twice, and was impeached twice—no president has ever been as talented at doing things twice! Anyway, I look forward to your eventual response. Please send money in your next letter, I need it. I promise I will be a strong and covfefe presence on campus!


Donald J. Trump

PS: I’m actually banned from Outlook, Gmail, Canvas, and Zoom, so online classes will definitely be a little difficult for me. Could I possibly teach over Parler?