The Eighth Page

Phillipian Satire: Interview with Covid-19

We at the Eighth Page have scored THE interview of the year. The most talked about yet least sought after organism in the whole world right now: Covid-19.    

Would you please introduce yourself? 

Hi mamis, my name is Covid-19 but all my friends call me Rona. My mom calls me Covvie but I can’t stand it. For fun I like traveling via humans who don’t wear masks on planes and other animals!

Have you visited our campus of Andover? 

Yes, briefly. Nice place you got there. I only saw the Sykes Wellness Center and the Andover Inn, but the view from my carrier looked pretty spiffy. Lots of biddies to infect.

What has been your favorite place you’ve visited?

France!!! Ooh lala! The people! The food! The weakened immune systems! I’m sure a croissant tastes better if you actually have a tongue and a mouth and are the one eating it, but the buttery particles that reached those Francs’ T-cells made me wanna beg for more. Oh, and how could I forget America!!! My new home! The revolution against masks made sight-seeing very easy and the President seems to love me! Half of the White House has been carrying me for months now (shh), and it’s so fun seeing what goes on behind the scenes. Like, did you know they’ve had a vaccine against me for months? (This is off the record, but the President said he might even take me to Vegas over Election Day so we could elope. And so we’d be away from the explosions rigged to kill Joe Biden and half the Democratic Party.)

Who has been your favorite person to have infected?

Tom Hanks, by far. You’d think it would be because of his caring nature and large amounts of money, but it was really for the secret powerful celebrity cult meetings I watched from his lungs. 

What’s a sport you would like to try this winter?

The hot tubs are looking like a great option, so maybe diving, but I may have to stick with the cold broken-down immune systems of skiers. 

Lastly, what is your favorite song, Rona?

Easy: WAP. The ideal cesspool for disease is a properly moiste-

Thank you for talking to us today! We hope to never see you again.