This year, Phillips Academy has been burdened by the renovation of the Oliver Wendell Holmes Library. Whereas a majority of the construction is being carried out on the inside of the building, a mysterious structure has been erected roughly 60 feet from the site. Daily, many workers enter and exit this shady “building”, but it is unclear what they do within its white, plasticine walls. Pictured above is the virtual hut which I believe is being used to traffic illegal materials in and out of campus. My reasoning? Thank you for asking. Firstly, the door is always locked. When I hopped the fence of the site and attempted a quick look around, it was bolted from the inside. Furthermore, the individuals on the inside refused to let me in, even after I explained that I was from The Phillipian, and thus had overriding authority. What could require such secrecy other than illicit activity? Secondly, the workers that enter the building that my friends tell me is “actually just a bathroom”, and other disparaging comments like that, always come out smiling. Given the boring nature of work in general, it is unlikely that they are engaged in an activity that would be appropriate in a professional setting. The only logical conclusion is that these construction workers have something hidden inside that abhorrent lean-to, and by exposing them I’m also endangering myself because local gangs and/or mafia must have a hand in their wicked plot. However, as the truth demands attention, I refuse to go into witness protection and will continue to try and stop these nerdowells running amok on our campus. Tune in next week for more updates (unless I’ve been killed, in which case turn me into a martyr for the cause, please).
