The Eighth Page

Phillipian Satire: 8P Reviews Technology: Phone Week

iPhone X


Everyone knows Daddy bought it for you

Easier to check yourself out without people noticing

Really great image resolution


The ‘X’ reminds you of X and how much you miss him 🙁

No home button forces you to confront how your childhood is wasting away before your eyes and you may never truly have a real “home” ever again

No headphone jack– we’re still kind of mad


Google Pixel


You get to avoid the stress of dating because no one will ever go for you

Sleek and innovative design makes it really easy to hold

Pritty kullers make us happi


All the assassination attempts on your life hurt after awhile (literally, though, bullet wounds don’t heal fast)

Off-brand Siri has a less attractive voice (but that’s totally not what we’re into)

Java is marxist


Nokia 3310



Fits in Belt Holder (retails for 19.99 dollars plus shipping and handling)

Ginormous chick magnet


Hard to update

Matches with your grandfather’s bed nurse

Who are we kidding, the Nokia is perfect in every way