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Phillipian Satire: Hockey Rink Repurposed As Medieval Carnival Space for Spring Term

As the days lengthen and the sun grows in power just as the scrolls foretold, the Harrison Rink has slowly been undergoing a drastic transformation. The initiative, spearheaded by Andover’s Sustainability Team, is focused on restoring the gigantic, poorly ventilated, temporary home of crushed dreams and broken sticks back to its greater purpose: a medieval renaissance carnival hall.

“In addition to being a valuable physical contribution to the campus, this location wholly encompasses Andover’s spirit of optimism. After all, what demonstrates hope and a bright outlook more than a time period immediately following poverty, personalistic regimes, and plagues killing millions?” said Nancy Birdboi, Head of Playthings and Whatnot.

In addition to standard events such as mutton tosses, pillaging competitions, and falconry exhibitions, the rink is also excited to feature knife duels, held in the trainer’s office, between students to promote inclusion and a lack of fear.

Although many members of the Andover community support restoring the rink back to its former glory, many are opposed to the restoration, arguing that the horse poop, raw meat, and lack of bathing among participants during years past have rendered the rink impossible to play in. Leading the charge is Andover Boys Hockey Co-Captain Phillip Bonsoir ’18, who wants to preserve the sacredness and spiritual significance of the rink.

“I can tell you one thing: that is some good-looking ice, and it deserves some respect. I don’t go around waving pool noodles at the elderly, or whatever the properly analogy is.”

In response, Birdboi said, “Hey, is that kid Phillip ok? Does anyone know how many concussions that kid has?”

There isn’t much else to say on the matter, but the word count demands more, which is funny because you would think, or at least maybe briefly consider the possibility that, maybe at some point a joke or perhaps a punchline of some variety would be arriving soon at the terminatio-