The Eighth Page

Features — Phillipian Satire: Students Flee From Naked Trees

Reuben Channing woke up in his dorm room overlooking the quads and was bombarded by raw, inexcusable nudity. Of course, we all know this unnamed menace: the naked trees.

Reuben screamed out of shock and awoke the entire campus. Millions of thoughts raced through young Reuben’s mind. His first thought was to empty his closet and quickly clad these freshly nude trees, but he said to himself, “What am I thinking? I’ll ruin my A/E apparel!” Instead, he walked out of Rockwell singing the hit songs from “Hamilton,” only to find that this made the trees sway fervently.

The school reverend said, “Ever since the cold weather rolled in, the trees have just been showing off their bark willy-nilly like they were at a freshman mixer.” One Senior, who saw Reuben running around using two den cookies as blinders, exclaimed, “This violates everything I learned in PACE!”

Moreover, a Sykes representative explained that this occurrence is “not only a serious concern, but we have also noticed that supplies of Andover apparel hats, D.C. process blindfolds, and slick shades are dwindling because more and more students are determined to shield their eyes and preserve their innocence.” Stay safe, Juniors, it only gets worse.