The Eighth Page

Features — Phillipian Satire: Top Ten Hacks at Andover

10. Pretending to share your teachers’ beliefs to boost your G.P.A.

9. Admissions Officers don’t factcheck.

8. Low on the melatonin? Read News.

7. Uber to class if you’re late.

6. Den food’s free if you wear a clown mask.

5. Share that liberal Facebook post. Likes will come flowing in.

4. Write that liberal Facebook post. Shares will come flowing in.

3. Get an overnight so you can pull an all-nighter in Silent and save your space for the next day.

2. Blast bell tower recordings to drown out the sobbing.

1. Sykes can’t tell you that you’re not really sick.