The Eighth Page

Features: Clinton Starts Believing Own Lies

Hopeful democratic nominee Hillary Clinton was unable to calm herself last Tuesday night after delivering a speech in which she actually thought she told the truth. In her speech, which was an attempt at being “hip” for today’s youth, she talked about how she was “in with all of the cool cats, out there fighting against ‘the man’ and ‘the patriarchy.’ ”

In response to chants from the crowd, she then addressed her email scandal, stating, “I swear to the American people: I only use my computer to find love – I mean email my book club and write ‘Twilight’ fan-fiction.”

She came off stage shaken and, for several minutes, the only thing she could say was, “Is my life a lie? What is true? What is false?”

When asked for a comment afterwards, Clinton, while sweating through her pantsuit, said “Christ Almighty! I can’t believe I genuinely thought I was telling the truth. I mean I hate today’s youth, with their Nintendos and safe spaces.”

After a few moments she collected herself and continued, “My 15-year-old assistant Trevor manages all of my emails, and other personal, digital information. I don’t even have any friends to email; my address book just has Bernie’s fan-mail account.” Hillary then stopped, began to twitch, and emitted a gray plume of smoke from her right ear. “Golly, I’m pretty sure at some point I even thought I could feel emotions, like I was a human with a heart and everything,” she said.

A source close to Clinton shared his concern, saying, “Our country really needs someone who can keep their lies straight in order to lead. I think Hillary’s programming is just getting sloppy.”

President Bill Clinton said, “Listen, take it from a pro: Keeping track of what’s the truth and what’s not technically perjury gets pretty difficult when the stakes are this high.”

When asked about what she would do moving forward, Clinton responded, “I don’t know, maybe I just need a good scandal, something to really get my head back in the game. I might just get in contact with Ms. Lewinsky. After all – it did work for Bill.”