The Eighth Page

U.C.A. Economy

After the triumphant secession of Andover from America, Features decided to conduct an in-depth analysis of Andover’s bubbling economy.

Our recently founded monarchy, centered around the Almighty King Palfrey, has assumed the title, The United Clusters of Andover (U.C.A).

We no longer use the lowly U.S. dollar as our currency. Instead, we have developed and printed golden BlueBucks. In response to the numerous questions we received via email, this currency is gold-colored, not blue.

BlueBucks are distributed from the U.C.A Treasury, or as the laypeople call it, Morse Hall. After careful consideration, executives of the U.C.A Treasury (Galileo and Mr. Murphy) decided to print bills with numbers 1-6, as those are the only numbers of importance on campus.

As of right now, 72 percent of our budget is being spent on the rotating red chairs in The Nest. However, the Treasury strongly believe that they will yield a profitable return.

The U.C.A also spends a small portion of its endowment on a formidable military force. United Clusters of Andover Public Safety (UCAPS) has been outfitted with fleets of new matte-black minivans, with gold rimmed tires in order to protect our students from the horrors of the lands beyond the border.

With the help of a strongly fortified border, these outsiders no longer have access to our campus, and they will forever venture within the sad, sad territory of the United States of America.

In addition to the spending on fancy chairs and pimped military vehicles, U.C.A uses their praised gold BlueBucks on the half-dead seafood items served in commons, such as mussels, clams, shrimps, catfish and catboners.

Our economic advisor, Bernie Madoff, wisely advised Almighty King Palfrey to invest our endowment into a diverse portfolio of profitable companies, such as:

Blockbuster, Pan American World Airways, and a solar power drilling company.

Overall, U.C.A’s robust economy is based on the sound economic principles allowing for great prosperity. Also, food, though bland, is generally plentiful and our citizens are generally happy.