The Eighth Page

Schedule Stalkers

From their research lab inside the cupola atop Samuel Phillips Hall, the Features Intelligence Board discovered a phenomenon in many Andover students. Stalk-home Syndrome has become quite prevalent among Andover students in recent months since the creation of the fateful Heroku app, a website that allows students to look at the class schedules of fellow students.

This app generates the intense craving to “schedule stalk” a student of interest; the Stalk-home Syndrome has evolved into an unavoidable inclination for schedule stalking.

In an alumni interview with Stell Bleedinblu ’82, she alleged that life at Andover was quite different before the development of Herokuapp. “In my day, if you took a shine to a certain lad or lass, you had to scooter – with a helmet – to his or her house at the end of the summer in order to read the scroll containing his or her schedule,” wrote Bleedinblu in a letter written with quill to The Phillipian.

“I schedule-searched my boy to find what time he would walk out of Gelb. I met him there, and we had a long, romantic walk together in the rain as he went to CVS to get his pink-eye ointment. Except he didn’t know that I was there, heheh,” Iem Afterü ‘16 declared one day after peeling off her glasses-and-mustache disguise.

“I plastered bae’s schedule over every surface of my room. It’s my phone background!!! I even made 365 CustomInk shirts to wear for the rest of the year,” Afterü added.

Other students go so far as to switch into all of their “potential mating partners’” classes. Due to their high IQs, these students have created a unique method of stalking. They silently follow behind the person of interest while holding a room-key as low as possible. This ingenious method has been dubbed “low-key stalking.”

Students begin to show signs of Stalk-home Syndrome in their post-pubescence. First, they display a sudden high interest in a specific person, referring to them as their “potential mating partner.”

Then, they schedule-stalk said person. They suddenly begin wearing camouflage clothing and wigs. They locate said person and admire them from afar. They develop a close friendship with the Scheduling Officer. They acquire large quantities of add/drop slips. They change their entire schedule.Sched