If you’ve seen the black hair dye, lipstick, nail polish and leather cuffs they’ve started selling at Susie’s, then read no further. You know. You can sulk in destitution. You know we’re all fakers and nothing is original. Nothing is worth fighting for, and you aren’t worth fighting for nothing. You know it’s all a lie, a charade. Well, you’ve never been good at charades anyway, so you don’t want to play. No, you’re not being a haughty, indignant, angsty mule and quitting this like you quit archery. Yes, I agree. It is so cool and those heathens just don’t understand. Anyway, back to the point. Oh right… How could you forget? There isn’t one. But for those of you who still have hope, read on while you still can. Time is of the essence. For once Apollo draws the indigo blanket over himself, it will be too late. The Age of Darkness is upon us. Light is nowhere to be found. “Now is the winter of our discontent,” William Shakespeare once remarked, and I couldn’t agree more. All sources of light across campus have been proverbially blown out in an effort to make the campus more environmentally friendly. The disco lights in Susie’s are gone. Five limbs, belonging to the vermin climbing on the chandeliers in Silent Study, have been broken, taking the light away. A renegade group called the Illuminati (no—not that one. Those guys haven’t gotten back to the students leading the Andover sect yet about joining, but the name isn’t copyrighted, so it’s probably ok, unlike their sense of propriety! I mean it takes two seconds to reply to an e-mail!) has taken to creating a bonfire next to the Bicentennial Sphere that ignites the moment the clock strikes six. While a galvanizing spectacle that packs a punch, it goes against countless Blue Book rules. Plus, fires don’t actually provide that much light, so when students tried to do work by the spitting flames, it was reported that the profuse sweating due to the heat got all over papers and smudged the ink. Students came here to learn, to strive towards enlightenment. Yet this admirable aspiration has been cruelly robbed from us. We must be in our dorms at sundown to ensure a safe journey home, since all of the school’s paths and outdoor areas are pitch black to conserve power. The slackers seem like the good guys because they’re using this whole environmentally-conscious excuse to not do their work. Students have been at a loss and there hasn’t been a new idea around here since the day the light left. The future is bleak.
