The Eighth Page

Robotic Athletic Evolution

This past week marked a momentous occurrence in preparatory school sports, as officials of the Interstellar Preparatory School Athletic Association (IPSAA) met to discuss the possibility of combining robot and human sports into one Humanotic League. A final decision from the IPSAA on this issue would be historic, since establishing a Humanotic League has been a popular topic of debate since the release of “I, Robot.” At first, officials resisted allowing robots to compete alongside humans, citing the fact that robots had “better genes for sports and would win, prosthetic hands down, every time.” In an interview conducted 10 years ago, Adam Bomb, President of the IPSAA, remarked, “Robots are good for two things: making sandwiches and being crash dummies. They don’t and won’t play sports.” Rob Ott, Vice President of the IPSAA and a proponent of the creation of a Humanotic League, feels for his mechanical mates: “I am strongly opposed to the discrimination of robots because of their enhanced athletic abilities. Having been a NARHLY [North American Robot Hockey League, Yeah] scout for the last 10 years, I have seen amazing displays of talent, courage and selflessness coming from these sophisticated beings. I believe that, if allowed to compete alongside their human comrades, robots would strengthen not only the caliber of the league but also the bonds between teammates.” Despite Ott’s experience in robotic hockey, the IPSAA is worried that robots will be able to take advantage of the Association’s doping policy because of the robots’ lack of genitalia and renal systems. Without means to test for performance enhancing drugs, the opponents of robotic integration believe that if robots are allowed to play, humans and robots alike should be allowed to dope in all sports to level the playing field. When asked about the potential permitted use of anabolic steroids, Dinah Soares, coach of Andover’s synchronized walking team, replied, “I’m looking forward to utilizing the ’roid rage that my players will undoubtedly experience. It’s not illegal if everyone’s doing it.” With the growing pressure from humans, robots and robotic parents for integration, a decision is expected within the week. Big changes are anticipated to soon take place in the IPSAA.