Saturday – After a winless season last year, Andover Football has begun its social event season with a grim outlook, following the events of this year’s inaugural dance. The Video Dance, typically a celebration of new beginnings and hormone-induced encounters destined to be regretted the following morning, instead proved itself to be more of a gladiatorial battle, as an army of freshmen managed to trample numerous post-graduate athletes, including several from Andover’s gridiron gang. The commotion reportedly began approximately a minute into a dubstep remix of Avicii’s “Levels,” at the first bass drop. According to sources, one particularly well-developed freshman with a full beard yelled what was construed by some as “Let’s party,” but others claim his words were, in fact, “For Sparta.” This student was later identified as Leonidas “King” Matthews ’16. At this point, Matthews gathered his fellow aggressive freshman into a formation that, in the words of the Director of the Pobert Reabody Museum of Dance Warfare, “curiously resembled that of the Spartans during the battle of Thermopylae in 480 B.C.” While the post-grad boys injured at the event averaged a height of 6’5” and a weight of 248 lbs (muscle-to-brain weight ratio unknown), the freshmen literally crushed the athletes in a feat that can only be explained by a lifetime of intense physical and grueling mental training and an insatiable thirst for victory. Indeed, in the dim light of the Smith Center, they “fought in the shade.” The post-graduates are currently being treated at Isham Health Center. One football PG, Ty Blades ’13, a tight end and defensive end, took an arrow to the knee—bows and arrows, unlike samurai swords, are not expressly forbidden in the Blue Book and therefore play a central role in every aspect of Andover life. Leonidas declined comment, saying that he “must ready [his] breakfast and eat hearty… for tonight, [he dines] in Commons.”
